A Hunch 2/2

On the next day, Toko arrives at the hospital just on time. She takes off her bra and earrings, and takes a deep breath. When she enters the exam room, following the nurse and the doctor, she doesn’t miss the heavy door to shuts her in. Toko is already too nervous and looks pale. The nurse asks her if she’s feeling okay. Toko says something like “I’m fine,” but not sure what she’s saying. As she steps forward to lie on the machine, she can’t believe what she is going to do. It is too eccentric experience for her.

This is already enough, she thinks. She even thought such an awful experience can worsen her symptoms. Lying down, she is once again asked if she needs the sleeping pills, but she says
No. Then, suddenly the nurse brings the weird looking helmet-like devise. It looks like a helmet for football players, but a little bit bigger than those.

This is something Toko has never been told before. She becomes panicked. The nurse smiles at Toko and says, “Don’t worry. This is just the thing helps your head not to move.”

When the nurse puts the thing on her head, it looks more terrible from inside. She thinks, Oh god, I’m gonna be under the electroconvulsive therapy. They even put a headphone to shut the machine’s noise out. Toko feels completely trapped. While she is trying to take a deep breath, the nurse asks her to choose the songs she wants to listen to during the test. Toko replies, “Do you have David Bowie?”

“Who?”

“David Bowie.”

“I am sorry, but I don’t know him at all, and I don’t think we have his songs here.”

Toko wonders how she has been able to live without knowing him—she must be around forty. Toko asks for whatever she has. The nurse says “Sure thing.” Toko has no idea what she is sure about.

The door is shut and Toko closes her eyes. It’s her habit; she closes her eyes when she takes the x-ray too. Something in her tells her she should.

Then there is the terrible noise. It starts like a Chinese gong ringing constantly. This wasn’t so bad for the start, Toko thought, but she feels cold sweat on her back and the hip already. Her head is completely covered with the machine and she could only stare at the white arc above her head. The noise kept on going. Dadadadada dada gagaaga ga ga ga ga…then the music comes on.

It is a terrible choice—Hotel California. She just wants to hit that nurse for her mistake. How can anyone listen to such a suffocating song under the MRI machine? Ding-dong ding-dong…The machine sounds brutal and doesn’t match the music at all. In a way, the song sounds much creepier. Their chorus echoes in her head; Such a lovely place, (such a lovely place), what a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)... What a terrible surprise.

The next song is even worse: Saturday Night by The Bay City Rollers. As boys begin spelling out S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y with those twangy voices, the machine gives a great buzz. Toko tries to imagine her brain’s slowly scanned by the devise from the top of her head. It is impossible for her to tell what the machine is doing, though. This continuous buzz reminds her of a sixth grade boy who’s trying to play the toy guitar like Jimi Hendrix. Well, at least he’s trying.

By the time the third song, Bicycle Race by Queen is on the player, Toko begins to appreciate the nurse for keeping her upset throughout the test. At least she can get off her mind from the fear—but she can barely hear the music now. The machine seems like giving the last tenacity to picture her brain completely, and then, the machine stops and the nurse comes into the room. “You did a good job, honey. Now, watch your step.” The nurse takes Toko’s hand to help her sitting up. Her shoulders are stiff, and she stretches herself. She is free to go now.

The outside is sunny. It’s Friday afternoon and soon people will emerge from the offices for Friday nights’ release.

Toko is going to meet her fiancé for dinner tonight, and starts walking to the station. As she gets to the station, she notices she is out of cash. She finds an ATM machine to withdraw some money, but her cash cards don’t work. They are all wiped while she left her wallet in the breast pocket during the test. “Silly me—” she has no idea how she gets to the restaurant. She flips open the cell phone to call her fiancé, but she hesitates.

If I will be diagnosed the brain tumor next week, Toko thinks, and if that happens to be malignant…Toko turns around and starts to walk to her apartment, keeps on thinking, It won’t take an hour to get there—I can call him when I get there and maybe suggest him to come over my place… but she knows that she won’t call him or cook him dinner tonight. Toko feels strange as she realizes herself wishing the tumor (now she really thinks it’s there,) will be malignant, so she can blame everything on the tumor as she lets go her relationship, unwanted marriage, the job at the bank, or the dull days to raise a baby.

Yes, Toko says to herself, I will be diagnosed a bad brain tumor and what should I care anymore?  And should I care to meet someone subsequent—someone like my fiancé?

Ayako M. All Rights Reserved